some stories are so funny; we laugh until we cry and some stories are so sad we cry before we finish, but all stories need to be told...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

people with wooden spoons up their arses

ah the list is long- endless, really.
there are so many people out there who truly believe that they have all the answers - that they are better than the rest of us. the fucking know it alls-
i have my entire life, disliked clubs and teams- anything organized requiring multiple heads to make a decision, does not, in my lowly opinion, ever work- there is usually oodles of arguing and backstabbing and falsehoods, lying and fake smiles, hurt feelings and then disaster.
i hate all sports that require more than one player- for me it has always been; running, swimming, biking and yoga (and for a while power wine drinking whilst chain smoking). i'm best in sports with just me on the team; nobody relying on me to accurately catch an object or run in the right direction- nobody hoping that at some point the skinny stick in my hand might actually make contact with something- or that some day i may actually catch that 90mph ball headed my way- instead of my usual duck for cover after screaming "I'VEGOTIT!".
just me and the wind.
or the water.
unfortunately, sometimes clubs or teams are necessary; like when you are attempting to start a business on an unmentioned handmade website; teams become a highly recommended tool.
scour through team lists i did.
there were hundreds of teams to choose from; my favorites were the one person team; i was torn: i wanted to join but i didn't want to ruin their solo mojo.
teams for the over 40 artist
teams for artists over 50
teams for girls
teams for gays
teams for guys
teams for knitters
teams for beginners
teams for just out of the closet gay knitters who like to be alone on wednesdays with girls over 50
and then i found it
teams for food makers....aha- this sounded so right! and then? i read the rules. and then? i nearly died.
remember here, that we are not speaking of the james beard foundation- nor are we trying to get rated by the ny times; this is website for artists and craftspeople- (wherein it is difficult to be recognized as either when your medium is food)
that's not the point
the point is
teams were created to assist and encourage each other
or so the bi-line reads
until you read this joke ass of a club's rules:

"proof of licensing to work in your state required (we don't know the rules for all 50, but we WILL find out)
if you make dog food or cat treats, please provide us with health safety codes. if we find out you've lied (and we will) we will report you to the leaders of this website and you will be forever banished from our kingdom.
once you've passed the application process and we've accepted you,  you will be on a 3 month probationary period. (you've got to be fucking kidding me) during this time you may NOT list ANYWHERE that you are associated with our team. you may not refer to our team. you may not look at us. you must curl up in a ball and die". you must have sold at least 4,000,000 items and have 6,000,000 positive feedbacks. you must blog; said blog having first been published shortly after your mother named you. said blog must have 8 cajillion followers all of whom buy at least $20 of product per day". (okay, i added the last few but amazingly they fit right in and they are only an exaggeration in numbers.)
raise your hand if you are dumb enough to believe that because someone possesses a "food handler's safety certificate" this guarantees cleanliness and proper food preparation.
raise your hand if you are dumb enough to believe that all restaurants in nyc are clean and run above board- because in nyc every kitchen must have, in the very least one employee in possession of said certificate.
and if you believe all that you've read, i will tell you this
that all of the ingredients we use are homegrown- each & everyone- homegrown, organic, local, and fair trade.
we have an aviary upon our roof where each morning, after singing songs and playing guitar, i float upwards to retrieve fresh jars of honey.
after that i pull lavender flowers from my ass.....
i won't ever find success
apparently i am not a team player
i can't do it
i just can't be on a team where the requirements call for my head to live so far up my ass that i can see my tonsils
yes, i am agile- but everyone has a limit....

there may not be an "i" in team, but there is definitely a "me"-

oh, i nearly forgot
last night sly made kalamata & marmarbirlik olive & caramelized onion focaccias
they are beyond good
you should try one- while watching a team sport.

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