today my nearly 4 year old and i had to make an emergency trip to our local century 21 department store. he's been experiencing "penis situations". or as he refers to them "my piggy is stuck up".
that's right, in our house a penis is a piggy- sly started it- so i'm thinking it must be a west indian thing, but it works- especially out in public. it's like a super fantastic secret code.
when my now 25 year old daughter was 4, we too created a secret language for body parts (it was the early 90's and people were crazy preparing their children for kidnappings and other fun stuff. as if no child before had ever been kidnapped or had any other bad thing happen- in the 90's we started talking about it and preparing our children. in other words we were scaring the crap out of our kids and ruining them for life. but i stray from my point). a vagina was a goonie- which was great- until the movie goonies came out- then it became a secret joke- some unwilling participant would ask- "have you seen goonies?" and our family would appear retarded as we, unable to look each other in the eyes, embarked upon fits of 'inside joke giggling'.
my father was appalled at such nonsense. he called one night in a panic:
"hello?" said i.
"eve, what if she has an emergency at a sleep over?" my father nervously asked.
"dad, what are you talking about?" said i.
"what if abby has a vagina emergency at a sleep over- and in trying to relay her problem tells the adult "my goonie hurts"- they won't understand her. what will she do then?"
"seriously dad, who has vaginal emergencies at 4? she has hands and fingers if all else fails, she can always point." said i.
fast-forward 20 years and my father has completely mellowed, believing "piggy" is brilliant and hysterical. "if only i were so troubled as to have a piggy stuck in up peeking out of my skivs" he shared today via skype. which made me throw up a little and laugh at the same time.
so now in this house, we have a piggy. we also utilize goonie as reference/secret code for vagina. my precious boy LOVES to make frequent public announcements: "boys have piggys and girls have goonies". see? the code is important.
back to the "piggy issues".
the boy runs last minute into the bathroom, does his necessaries and yells what all parents of diapered infants long to hear and all parents of toddlers associate with nails on a chalkboard: "I'M FINIiiiiiSHED".
one of us goes in. we wipe. we praise. we pull up the pants. and more often then not we hear: "wait, my piggy is stuck up".
at first i thought, "how does he know? how does one assess the attitude of one's penis? are there kind gentle penises? angry rageful ones? are there pontifical penises? is there a penis aptitude test? i knew they housed male brains, but i had no idea they had personalities too. doesn't anyone tell me anything, must i learn life's secrets on my own?".
then we figured it out.
the piggy doesn't have attitude. yet.
the piggy is stuck.
the skivs and pants go off (don't ask, but he feels the need for complete bottom half naked freedom whilst eliminating).
we pull the skivs back on.
voila, the piggy gets stuck in an up position, pointing out of the top of the skivs as if it is a desperate claustrophobic piggy criminal in need of escape or air.
the problem is furthered by the fact that he tries to fix it on his own by RUBBING the piggy down- which makes it really stuck in UP.
the frequency of the conceited penis situation has been happening all too frequently lately, thus our emergency trip to the store for size 5 scooby doo and toy story skivvers.
this problem needed to be addressed ASAP, after all; i am trying to raise a good man with a kind, intelligent penis AND there is only enough space in this three room apartment for one bad attitude.